I recently watched ‘Noona, You Are a Woman to Me’, a South Korean dating show, and would like to translate my thoughts into writing here. (My post will contain spoilers! Please continue reading at your own risk.)
It was really different for me to watch a show like this; I wanted to better understand romantic relationships, so I began watching this show with an educational purpose in mind. Little did I know, what I got from this show did not only pertain to romantic relationships— it also made me reflect a lot on myself as a person.
As an INFP, I really related to a particular participant, Sang-Hyeon, who is also an INFP. Finishing the show, I was really shocked at how much hate Sang-Hyeon received; here I will try to explain how I understood and interpreted his behaviour.
Initial Impressions:
I saw many of my positive and negative traits in Sang-Hyeon. Through the hosts’ commentaries and the thoughts expressed by other participants, I became aware of how others may interpret my actions. I realized: “Oh, when I don’t look at other people in the eye, I appear shy and avoidant.” “When I’m lost in my own thoughts and don’t take action, I appear cold and indifferent.” I think these are some surface things that both me and Sang-Hyeon can work on.
Diving deeper, I noticed how mine and Sang-Hyeon’s thought process are also quite similar. This is because, as INFPs, we share the same cognitive function stack. Our first and most developed function, Fi (introverted feelings), allows us to be attuned with our feelings, but because of this, we can often be too absorbed in them. On the other hand, because our last and most underdeveloped function is Te (extraverted thinking), we are unable to objectively interpret what others think and become overly-sensitive about it. These 2 functions together makes us appear hesitant and disconnected with reality. I think this is why Sang-Hyeon seemed unpredictable, and his actions were misinterpreted by the hosts (and audience).
Our functions also cause us have a tendency to avoid conflicts by sacrificing our own feelings. But sometimes when our feelings are too strong to ignore, we would try to express ourselves— without realizing how we appear contradictory or fickle to others. I think this was Sang-Hyeon’s thought process and why he came off as wishy-washy with the two girls that he liked.
With Bon-Hee:
Sang-Hyeon expressed that he was interested in Bon-Hee from the beginning, but during the 2nd day date, he let Mu-Jin ask her out first. In my opinion, Sang-Hyeon tried to avoid conflict and didn’t want to make things awkward, and as it’s only the 2nd day, he probably thought he had many opportunities to go out with Bon-Hee later. Little did he know, things didn’t work out his way (poor Sang-Hyeon had his first and only date with Bon-Hee on the last day), which made him feel the need to be assertive and direct about his feelings.
INFPs are known to be hopeless romantics and fall in love with the version of a person in our heads. To me, Sang-Hyeon seemed to have this idealized image of Bon-Hee. Though as viewers we likely didn’t see all of their interactions on screen, I felt like the two of them didn’t communicate much, but Sang-Hyeon was already so invested in her; it felt more like an obsession rather than genuine interest. Furthermore, Sang-Hyeon said the date with Bon-Hee left a really strong impression on him because he realized Bon-Hee was exactly his ideal type, confirming my belief that he did not understand/know her well before this.
With So-Hyun:
I really liked So-Hyun and wanted Sang-Hyeon to reciprocate her feelings. With her, once again, Sang-Hyeon is displaying his low Te, scared of about what others think, and he makes a complete fool of himself, appearing indifferent and insensitive to others. On the skating group date, Sang-Hyeon completely ignored So-Hyun, leaving her disappointed and hurt. He was literally walking on ice because the group date involved both Bon-Hee and So-Hyun; he was scared how others will see him as he first expressed his interest in Bon-Hee but later developed feelings for So-Hyun.
The hosts on several occasions expressed their disappointment with Sang-Hyeon, but in my opinion, they misinterpreted his actions because they didn’t understand the thought process behind them. INFPs, because of our Fi, know what we want and our feelings never change, but it’s a matter of expressing them or not. Sang-Hyeon and So-Hyun choose each other in the finale, and Sang-Hyeon tells So-Hyun that whatever her decision is, he will respect it (they were allowed to change their minds within 7 days). The hosts were taken aback and expressed two points: they were irritated and said he should’ve fought for her, and they were scared he will change his mind. I interpreted Sang-Hyeon’s words differently: it’s because he likes her that he doesn’t want to pressure her and make her uncomfortable. Sang-Hyeon told So-Hyun, “Do what you want. I’ve given you a hard time long enough.” He’s not saying that he doesn’t want to be with her, but he was choosing not to express his love as he valued her feelings over his: he’s saying that he hopes she will be happy, even if it means she doesn’t pick him. With this said, I knew Sang-Hyeon wasn’t gonna to change his mind as all of his words were telling me that he really likes and respects her.
Final Thoughts:
One last thing I noticed about Sang-Hyeon is that a lot of his actions were based on his narrow interpretation of situations. He often jumped to conclusions, convinced of what’s in his head is real. First, as the hosts have pointed out, Mu-jin literally met Bon-Hee a few hours before he did; they had an equal chance of getting to know Bon-Hee. But he had this idea that they were already so-called ‘official’ and consequently let Mu-jin ask her out first. This thought of his can also be seen in the later episodes as he felt the need to ask Mu-Jin to let him go on a date with Bon-Hee.
Second, he misinterprets and jumps to conclusion about So-Hyun’s feelings as well, believing them to be not genuine just because she is ‘on a different level’ from him. With all this said, I think it was really silly of him to make these assumptions, choosing to always side with his thoughts over his feelings (he was always using his inferior Te more than his well-developed Fi).
On regret:
The biggest takeaway I got from the show was about regret. A principle I have always lived with is: “Never do anything I will regret”. Every time I decide something, I would wonder: ‘Oh, but will I regret this?’. Trying to predict if my unknown future self would regret something made the present me have a hard time with decision-making; I constantly stalled and hesitated more than I should. With this said, I am going learn from Sang-Hyeon and remember that it is okay to have regrets— it’s a part of being human.
Awaken your dreams 